Hey all

Edited to add emoticons, because they are necessary for my amusement.

Hi guys. (｡･ω･)ﾉﾞ♪

I'm still alive. I'm feeling bloggy again today. Probably because I'm procrastinating a Psych essay I need to write but don't really fell like doing even though it's due tomorrow.

But I probably should work on it. I finished my English essay late last night and tried to turn it in on the server, but the folder for it was closed (ノД`)・゜・。 Apparently, my computer clock and the server-majig clock aren't the same times. My clock is slow or something, because I should have still had about 5 minutes to turn it in, but I didn't. Have the time, I mean. I must not have because I couldn't even though I tried. I spent all evening working on it, too! (|||´- ω-`)

I fell bloggy but have nothing all that important to say. In fact, I don't think I have anything at all to say, besides what I already did. Though that has a tendency to change as I write the posts. I want to write something funny but I can't think of anything. The funny thing seems to be spontaneous. Like it's hiding and just randomly jumps out and maybe tries to scare me, but of course it doesn't because it's funny.

I didn't sleep much last night if anyone could tell. I was up very late. I blame the J-dramas. I'm becoming a J-drama addict, and that is not a good thing. Well, I guess it could be. I'm learning things sometimes, because I see something in one of the serious ones, like a medical condition, and I'm all "oooh, what's that? Is it real?" and have to look it up and then get distracted for several minutes looking up stuff that I don't really need to be looking up but am anyway.

Like in Itoshi Kimi E. I like it so far. Other than that it made me actually cry a little in the first episode. But the second episode didn't do that. Fortunately. Beautiful Life - the last one I watched - didn't make me cry right away. But then again, I had no idea that Kyoko was actually sick at first. Though...with Itoshi Kimi E, it wasn't that someone was sick that made me cry. It was that someone close to the main characters had died and they were getting all sad so I got sad. ( TωT)

I need to watch something funny before I go to bed tonight. Instead of one of my sad doramas. But I was talking about learning things. Yeah. I ended up looking up Behct's, and then when I started watching 1 Litre of Tears - which I'm trying to convince myself to keep watching even though it's sad - I had to look up spinocerebellar degeneration. It's depressing. I mean, I didn't have to look it up, but my curiosity made me. I'm kind of weird like that. I like learning new things.

I mean, really like it. Like when I had an albino character in my 2009 NaNo novel. Even though I should have been writing, I spent hours and hours looking up stuff on albinism. Thanks to that, I now know words like occulocutaneous. That word is incredibly fun to say.

I didn't even know there were different kinds of albinism! But there are. And my albinism research led me to reading about heterochromia, which is also very fun to say. I already knew what heterochromia was, but there are different types of that, too! Go look it up! It's awesome! ヽ(‘ ∇‘ )ノ

And yes, I am starting to feel better. Writing is helpful for that. Usually. Probably because it takes my mind off problems and I can think about fun stuff and fun new words. Hey! I feel motivated again! Awesome. I love when that happens. In fact, I think I actually feel motivated enough to go write that essay now.

*awkward cough*

Well, I won't try to pretend that rant didn't happen in my last post. It did. And I am still upset about some of it, though not nearly to the degree I had been when I wrote it. With all the stress lately - and almost no time to try to unwind - my emotions kind of took over (none of what I wrote was exaggerated, but it was very emotionally draining.)

I ended up saying to hell with some of the schoolwork I had; I got done what I could, but I didn't stress about trying to get all of it done. I prioritized better this week and managed to slip in some free time, but it's probably going to be a while before I have any again. There's a lot I have to do since I'm turning 21 soon (driver's license, insurance stuff to take care of because it's military insurance, etc., and the insurance stuff has proved itself to be a royal pain in the ass) and I have an eye doctor's appointment (and knowing them, I'm going to end up being there all afternoon) tests to study for, four papers to write, have to find time to squeeze in the required volunteer work for my Psych class, and the rest of the homework I get assigned.

I'm a mess right now. It doesn't help that every time we go somewhere and have to wait, my mom starts getting really pissed (like having to wait at the vet's. They were busy. What did she expect? That they would get right to us and have us out in five minutes? I don't think so.) I hate going anywhere with her, because the moment she decides she's waited too long she starts getting all huffy and pissy and bitches about how long we've been waiting (even if we've only been waiting ten or fifteen minutes at the vet when there are two or three people ahead of us). And I have to listen to her sigh as loudly and irritatedly as she can every minute or so.

It just stresses me out more.

Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into another bitch-fest of my own. Ranting was needed, though. I'll try to go back to my regular post subjects soon.

Emo-ish type rant ahead

Today wasn't too bad of a day in my classes. I got in late this morning because mom refused to leave early to compensate for the bad roads - I missed the first almost 30 minutes of lecture. Not good. I kept telling her we needed to leave at least at the same time as last week, preferably earlier, but no. We left 15 minutes later, even though I was barely on time last week. She's always on me about being on time or early and then what does she do? Makes me late. Because she doesn't trust me to be able to drive in snow, even though I freaking learned to drive in worse than this, so I have to rely on her for transportation. Not next week. I refuse to be late again.

I cheered up once I got through my classes. I was bored, but I didn't feel so angry. And then we're on the way home and I mentioned something about how some politicians want to severely limit birth control (and outlaw abortion, or make it so difficult to access that it may as well be) and what did she say? "Well maybe people should stop having sex before they're married!"

Wow, mom. Hypocritical much? She got pregnant with me before she was married, which means she must have been having sex. And I'm pretty sure she was sleeping with the guys she dated after she got divorced, too. She wasn't married to any of them.

And what about married couples who don't want kids? Should they not be allowed to have access to birth control? Marriage isn't just for having kids, for fuck's sake! And why should everyone have to live up to the same standards like that anyway? This just falls right back under the whole "not everyone is Christian/believes in the bible" stuff that I had to point out to Miss Intolerant last week.

I thought my mom was all for people making their own life choices as long as they weren't hurting anyone else. I thought she wasn't the type to judge other people for making different choices than her. Guess I was wrong. My opinion of her was already lowering because of her attitude about things lately, but it just got even lower. It might sound awful - I mean, she's my mom, and I feel like I kinda have to respect her and not hate her - but I don't have nearly the respect for her that I used to.

I don't really have any respect for anyone in my family any more. My grandmother is one of those bat-shit crazy anti-choice Christians, my aunt and cousins are bums who refuse to get jobs (it's not that they've looked and haven't gotten anything - it's that they don't look at all, they don't try, nothing.); the rest of my family are hypocritical, anti-choice, and just plain crazy, and now my mom has apparently been added to their ranks, with the exception of not being a radical Christian.

And then something goes wrong and she takes her frustration out on me (and people I've tried to vent to have told me "well she just needs someone to vent to, too! Don't be so hard on her!" It's not venting she does. It's treating me like I'm the problem, like it's all my fault, and I deserve to get chewed out for it.) She called for me to do something, but she was in the kitchen, at the front of the house and I was at the back of the house, with two closed doors between us, the furnace running, and a space heater going in my room. I didn't hear what she said. I'm surprised I heard her say anything at all. I moved to a position I could hear her better and asked what she'd said and she went off on me.

It's not my fault there was all that noise, all those barriers so I couldn't hear her. It's not my fault my hearing isn't the best hearing in the world (and hers isn't any better; I can be in the same room as her and have to repeat myself multiple times; and the moment I raise my voice so that maybe she can actually hear me, she gets pissed and snaps at me not to raise my voice at her.)

It's times like these that the only thing stopping me from just moving out - even if it meant I had to quit school to do it - is that I can't find a job that pays well enough to support myself. I can't find any job but the one I have, and I make crap.

I hate this. I finally start feeling like "maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I'm actually not that bad of a person, maybe people could actually like me" and then she has to go and treat me like that. Hell, I could tolerate the hypocrisy if she would just treat me like a decent human being, instead of some mistake. But that's all I am. I know that. She didn't want kids. But she had me anyway.

Woah!

I just realized I made my first post of February just now without realizing it! Go me! Or not...But yeah, January is over now. That kinda sucks. It went by so fast. I won't miss the cold weather once we get into Spring, but I don't like when the year goes by too fast.

It doesn't feel like February...

Gwah~

Well, it snowed last night and is still snowing - or was, the last time I checked. Not a ton of the stuff, but school was canceled. And it's really freaking cold. This is Michigan weather, not Kansas weather.

After my alarm went off for the first time this morning, I dozed back off for about 10 minutes. I had a horrible dream. I was almost crying when I woke up again. I shouldn't have finished watching that J-drama, I don't think. I'm pretty sure that's what caused it. I was so unnerved that I just got up even though I didn't have to be up for another half hour. I'm still a little bothered. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. I don't know. But I feel more tired than when I had dozed back off. Stupid dream.

I wrote some more last night. I wanna write some more right now, too, actually. I'm determined to get something finished by the end of March. In fact, I am going to finish something by the end of March. Either the one I was working on before, or the new one. Neither has a title yet, but I'll work on that later. One of them will get done.