Today wasn't too bad of a day in my classes. I got in late this morning because mom refused to leave early to compensate for the bad roads - I missed the first almost 30 minutes of lecture. Not good. I kept telling her we needed to leave at least at the same time as last week, preferably earlier, but no. We left 15 minutes later, even though I was barely on time last week. She's always on me about being on time or early and then what does she do? Makes me late. Because she doesn't trust me to be able to drive in snow, even though I freaking learned to drive in worse than this, so I have to rely on her for transportation. Not next week. I refuse to be late again.
I cheered up once I got through my classes. I was bored, but I didn't feel so angry. And then we're on the way home and I mentioned something about how some politicians want to severely limit birth control (and outlaw abortion, or make it so difficult to access that it may as well be) and what did she say? "Well maybe people should stop having sex before they're married!"
Wow, mom. Hypocritical much? She got pregnant with me before she was married, which means she must have been having sex. And I'm pretty sure she was sleeping with the guys she dated after she got divorced, too. She wasn't married to any of them.
And what about married couples who don't want kids? Should they not be allowed to have access to birth control? Marriage isn't just for having kids, for fuck's sake! And why should everyone have to live up to the same standards like that anyway? This just falls right back under the whole "not everyone is Christian/believes in the bible" stuff that I had to point out to Miss Intolerant last week.
I thought my mom was all for people making their own life choices as long as they weren't hurting anyone else. I thought she wasn't the type to judge other people for making different choices than her. Guess I was wrong. My opinion of her was already lowering because of her attitude about things lately, but it just got even lower. It might sound awful - I mean, she's my mom, and I feel like I kinda have to respect her and not hate her - but I don't have nearly the respect for her that I used to.
I don't really have any respect for anyone in my family any more. My grandmother is one of those bat-shit crazy anti-choice Christians, my aunt and cousins are bums who refuse to get jobs (it's not that they've looked and haven't gotten anything - it's that they don't look at all, they don't try, nothing.); the rest of my family are hypocritical, anti-choice, and just plain crazy, and now my mom has apparently been added to their ranks, with the exception of not being a radical Christian.
And then something goes wrong and she takes her frustration out on me (and people I've tried to vent to have told me "well she just needs someone to vent to, too! Don't be so hard on her!" It's not venting she does. It's treating me like I'm the problem, like it's all my fault, and I deserve to get chewed out for it.) She called for me to do something, but she was in the kitchen, at the front of the house and I was at the back of the house, with two closed doors between us, the furnace running, and a space heater going in my room. I didn't hear what she said. I'm surprised I heard her say anything at all. I moved to a position I could hear her better and asked what she'd said and she went off on me.
It's not my fault there was all that noise, all those barriers so I couldn't hear her. It's not my fault my hearing isn't the best hearing in the world (and hers isn't any better; I can be in the same room as her and have to repeat myself multiple times; and the moment I raise my voice so that maybe she can actually hear me, she gets pissed and snaps at me not to raise my voice at her.)
It's times like these that the only thing stopping me from just moving out - even if it meant I had to quit school to do it - is that I can't find a job that pays well enough to support myself. I can't find any job but the one I have, and I make crap.
I hate this. I finally start feeling like "maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I'm actually not that bad of a person, maybe people could actually like me" and then she has to go and treat me like that. Hell, I could tolerate the hypocrisy if she would just treat me like a decent human being, instead of some mistake. But that's all I am. I know that. She didn't want kids. But she had me anyway.
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